SWEATING IT OUT

Holy cow. There must be millions of men in America nervously sweating it out right now, wondering if they will be the next man publicly called out for behaving inappropriately with women. These men know who they are.

What was it this time that made women's outrage at men's dog behavior turn into a national tsunami? How did it take until 2017 for women to publicly call out these dogs for what they are? I don't know. We feminists have been bringing this to light since the 1960's, yet the media never gave it the level of attention it merited. Maybe it is because we currently have a Grabber in Chief.

Harvey

These guys who have been called out in the media are just plain stupid. Stupid because if a man is presentable, nice, friendly, courteous, interesting, and fun, then the woman he is desiring is likely to be open to his attentions, that is, if the situation is socially appropriate.

These men all have something in common - power. Corporate power, co-worker power, political power, financial power, or the power of talent and fame. I can only think that these men must have been blinded by the giddiness of their particular powers. When they should have been mature, responsible people, they let their inner adolescent run wild.

The age old question - why did they do it? The age old answer - because they can.

I'm skeptical that this outburst of sexual correctness will have a long lasting effect, though I sure wish that it would. The sexual instincts of both men and women are not going away anytime soon (I hope). The best outcome here would be for lots of men to get the message that they can get to this particular goal without acting like dogs. They should know that from this point on, if they do prey upon the innocent or less powerful, they may as well be wearing scarlet letters - P is for predator, and A is for asshole.

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU MIGHT THINK

I suppose that many people think that introverts are afraid of people, and also they probably believe that loners are shunning society.

Rather than those stereotypes, I propose that many introverts are simply happy and comfortable enjoying their own thoughts and interests, and I suggest that these tendencies begin early on. 

I think that because introverts spend less time socializing, they tend to miss out on learning both the subtle and overt ins and outs of interacting with people. Thus, when they do end up in social situations, they are unsure about what the expectations are, and end up as wall flowers.

In my view, more often than not, introverts have gotten a bad rap. In all likelihood introversion has evolved in a person because of an abundant self dialogue. I doubt that for many the first ingredients in becoming an introvert are fear or dislike.  

Because introverts enjoy such a rich inner life, it's easy to for them to slip into the category of loner. Often though, someone comes along and drags them into social living. Again, people who spend lots of time alone aren't necessarily harboring disdain for or wariness of others. They're more likely having a satisfying time with their own introspection and activities. 

So I am asking, please don't throw all of us solo people into one bag. We aren't necessarily the ones who end up on the news, with their neighbors saying "He kept to himself". We are much more likely to be just enjoying our contemplations and pastimes. We may indeed have very active discourses going on within our minds, but we're not all thinking of cutting off our ear!

VANITY DIGEST

I don't like anything formal at all. I don't like anything that says either "You must do it this way" or "I've got more than you". I take great comfort and pleasure in living in an average town. I used to have a regular job with middle class pay.

The people that you meet in "anytown" for the most part are good hearted people, who work hard, love their families, and like to have fun when they can. That, in my opinion, is a rich life.

So why in the world would I look at two publications such as Vanity Fair and Architectural Digest? Yes, I do. It is a little bit like spying on another planet or civilization. I don't admire these people with their carefully structured abodes and expensive stuff. I look on in quizzical wonder. Why would anyone desire to live in a context that screams "I am special and above the rest", when "the rest" is the rich foundation of our society?

Both of these magazines, page after page, express the same message - that a person should be: 
forever youthful, always thin, either classically or strangely beautiful, always wearing a look of boredom or disdain, always ready for some kind of kinky sex, and of course, very wealthy or kept by someone who is. 
All this, while dressed in clothing and jewelry that most people can't afford, and living in a house that is surely decorated by someone other than oneself.

The answer as to why I look at these two flaunting vehicles is that I am and always have been interested in art and design. So I flip through the glossy pages, looking at what the designers are coming up with for those who have the most money. Occasionally I do see something that wows me, but more often than not I see designs that seem to exist only to challenge those who already have everything and are bored with it.

Maybe it's that I need to confirm my sense of disapproval over those who shout so vigorously that they are living the better life. Why do I need to do this? I do it because their credo of more/bigger/prettier/fancier is continuously shoved in our faces via all forms of media. Maybe I need to, by observing the gluttonous class, reinforce my belief that the simple life is indeed the most rewarding life.

I know that I could just avoid viewing the media that carries these skewed messages.

But what I would love to see on the faces of those stick models is a warm smile, a look of empathy, a sense that they appreciate life. Not "What are YOU looking at?"

THE FORGIVENESS FALLACY

Wow. Forgiveness sounds wonderful. Everybody involved will feel OK from now on. Well, I don't believe it really exists.

No one disputes the utter horror of WWII. How on Earth did the world move beyond it? My own father bought a German car in 1957, just twelve years after the end of the war. My father was as much a U.S. patriot as anyone. By the late 1960's everyone was buying Japanese cars without a second thought. How did we move on so quickly? Forgiveness? I think not.

When I think about any person in the past who broke my heart, a taste of that old pain will rise to the surface. When I think about things I've done that were not examples of what a good person should be, I still feel inner shame.

Nonetheless, I am not walking around like a wounded soul. I pretty much manage my life as a fairly normal person. So, how does this transition successfully evolve, both culturally and personally? I think we compartmentalize it, tuck it away, and don't look at it too often. I think announcing that we've forgiven is an untruth. A lot of us, with time, can move forward in life with that personal baggage neatly stored inside. Those who are unable to do that, end up with short fuses, scores to settle, and/or an unstable mental state.

So I don't think we should be preaching about the glory of forgiveness. I don't truly think that we are really fully capable of that. I do believe in the idea that the best revenge upon those who would hurt you, is to move forward and build yourself as good a life as you can. That includes cataloging the past, yet focusing the bright beautiful light of the promise of each new day. See? Denying the concept of forgiveness can sound just as gooey as anything!

A WONDERFUL PLACE STOLEN

Well, who the heck stole it?

Answers: Initially, the "I've got mine" people. Secondly, the profiteers of technology.

I joined this smallish town 40 years ago. It was cute, friendly, and kind of asleep. It won my heart. The old downtown buttoned itself up at night for the most part. Yet the streets were alive on the weekends, with teens living out the age old ritual of cruising back and forth through the downtown blocks.

It was not difficult to find a little house to rent in town or around the outskirts, perfect for young adults working on figuring out their futures.

The whole region was determined to not become a vast wasteland of ugly suburbs and freeways, which was a good and noble goal. In that spirit, the first move was made by the city to limit growth. The city proposal was challenged in court by the construction industry in 1975, and the issue got national attention. The city eventually won.

In the interim years, the city could not avoid some growth, but it was pretty darn slow. Every new shopping center and housing development had to jump through an insane number of hoops to be completed.

The death spiral for the city in remaining a middle class community began with the computer and telecom revolutions that were going on 90 miles to the south. The newly rich CEO's and programmers set off a sharp rise in the real estate market in their immediate region. Then year, by year, by year, like concentric waves caused by a pebble dropped into a pond, the inflating real estate market crept closer and closer to my city.

Now it is here full blown. If you are middle class and own a home already, you're OK. But if you should sell your home to cash in on the market, you will be forced to move far away from here in order to purchase another home. If you are a renter - bad luck for you. Landlords are taking full advantage of the situation. People who work in local shops can't afford to live in town. Most graduates of our high schools will not be able to buy a home in the town where they were raised. The graceful old homes in my neighborhood are going up for sale in the million dollar range.

So, as the older citizens of town die off, they are being replaced by young professionals with money to burn. The middle class homeowners are frozen in place. The normal tradition of trading up houses within the same town is no longer possible for most. Stay in place or else move to who knows where. No developers bother to build starter homes or average homes. They only build McMansions. The schools have fewer children because young families cannot afford to buy here anymore. The senior citizens who are not homeowners are in a very precarious pickle.

I do realize that times change. But it is sad to see this town have such limits on whom it welcomes now. Yes, the town did avoid endless suburban sprawl and freeways. But now there is no future here for the next generation of middle class people. I think that is an ugly outcome.

There are always warm discussions about what community means. This town is feeling more and more to me like a somewhat exclusive club. The city planners' rallying cry should not have been "Don't do it". Their credo should have been "Do it right". For the benefit of everyone.

IF I SING FOR YOU

If I run for you. If I walk for you. If I bake cupcakes or pies for you. If I make lemonade for you. If I sell overpriced snacks to you. If I have a famous person plead to you.

Will you then support my cause?

What's up with that? If a person sees a good cause which needs help, will that person not give to the cause unless some kind of reward is given? Isn't the knowledge that one has helped a cause enough satisfaction?

Fine. The lemonade stand IS a learning experience for the children involved. But the children selling overpriced snacks are being taught how to twist arms and manipulate guilt.

If a grammar school is in need of funding for new equipment, what is wrong with putting out a bulletin to the parents and asking for monetary donations? Why must all the mommies bake cookies, cakes, and pies? Why not just be direct about the situation?

If a local advocacy group needs funds to help complete their mission, what is wrong with putting out word to the community about what they are striving to accomplish, and that they need financial assistance to achieve that goal?

Unfortunately, I think that events, such as bake sales, runs, walks, and concerts are designed to make the participant donors feel extra good about themselves. My question is why do the donors need to receive that extra reward? Does the prevalence of these events indicate that our culture is not intrinsically goodhearted enough to give for the sake of giving?

BIG WHITE WEENIES WITH TIKI TORCHES

Well doesn't that title sound childish! But that's what they are, despite the scary appearances they attempt to cultivate.

They are labeled as domestic terrorists, and they are that. But what I see are big white guys who are themselves terrified. How stupid is that? Really, are they so daft that they cannot see that they need not try to harass the rest of us citizens?

Look, there are people whom I do not especially care to be around, such as very loud people, superficial people, and perpetually grumpy people. Do I demand that such people leave my neighborhood? Well how stupid would that be? I simply make some effort to not interact with them, while realizing that sometimes that will not be possible. No big deal.

Do I carry the naive thought that every type of person should happily get along with all others? No. Do I think that our big human brains should be smart enough so that we, the masses, can figure out how to weave a society out of may types of threads? Yes.

If the neighborhood I live in somehow evolved into one that I no longer felt comfortable in, I would figure out a way to move somewhere else. In fact, I did that as a young woman, leaving behind a rapidly expanding over-suburbanized area, and moved to a semi-rural area that felt better for my own life's desires. It was not easily done, but I managed. So what's wrong with these big white weenies that they can't do that? Why do they feel the need to huff and puff and scare and hurt people? How empty and fragile are their souls that they must decry and threaten all others who are not exactly the same as them?

They must be and are being called out for exactly what they are - racists, sexists, homophobes, and big white weenies. I wish that we could collect them all and send them to live in irony on a supremacist Neo-Nazi reservation. Maybe they have already done that for themselves in Idaho.

HEALTH, RESPONSIBILITY, AND GOOD FORTUNE

It seems that a large part of the current national rift can be defined as the resistance of many citizens to the concept that we Americans are all in this together. The mindset has become us versus them.

Many people seem to be carrying the belief that their personal good fortune is totally due to their having lived a responsible, hardworking, and ethical life. Therefore this line of thought follows that the less fortunate people must somehow be flawed individuals.

The great force that is unrecognized by these Americans is fortune itself, otherwise known as luck. It plays a larger part in our lives than one might initially think. But the reality is that life is one big lottery: where you are born, when you are born, who your parents are, whether you are a male or a female, and on and on. These basic factors of luck are strong influences in the direction one's life takes.

Here is the cliche argument that I keep hearing. "I've worked hard all my life for every penny and everything I have, and I'll be damned if I'll help pay for medical costs for someone who drinks, smokes, does drugs, is jobless, and has squandered every dollar they've ever had."

Well it's not that simple on either side of the equation. Most people are basically good. If this was not true, then society could not exist. But there are a thousand turning points of fortune that can lead a good little kid to become an irresponsible person with a skewed attitude. And it's possible that good fortune will fail to shine any light at all on a person who is striving to make a better life, and strands that person in a dismal living scenario.

So then why should those who are more fortunate be asked to chip in to help those who are less fortunate? Because that is what being a nation is about. It is about a people's common destiny.  

Absolutely we should each be held responsible for our own life decisions. But equally important, we each should never forget that good fortune, or luck, plays a generous part in the course of our individual lives.

Good fortune has placed us in this particular nation at this particular time. There should be no whining by anyone about being asked to give. If we as a nation don't wish to devolve into a soulless culture of survival of the fittest, then we must promote the concept of gratitude for the fact that most of us do actually have the ability to share part of our personal bounty with others who are in need.

We need to remember that individuals are not simply good or bad people, but also lucky or unlucky people. And never presume that your own luck won't change for the negative, and that you will never need to seek help from the kind hearts of your society.

OUR CONTAINERS

Unless we are an identical twin, each one of us is walking around as a unique combination of our parents' DNA. This is part of life's lottery. It is lucky or it is unlucky. Once we are born into this world, there's only a limited number of alterations we can make to our ever changing "containers". 

Whichever culture a person lives in has its own standards as to which types of containers are deemed alluring, and which are not. First world cultures tend to attach an unwarranted amount of social significance to this. Too many people spend a tragic amount of energy, time, and money fretting over this challenge.

Women in such cultures are pressured into making their faces into a painted canvas. Some results of this are very beautiful, but they are only a culturally approved mask, and nothing more than that.

My unvarnished youth

I'm not saying that it's not a true pleasure to be at that momentary point in one's life where one's container looks so alive and fresh. If only we could convince the young to fully appreciate the transitory nature of this, and persuade them that aging is not a sin or embarrassing. Aging is life's success story, and that's just the way it is.

Our containers are just one aspect of our existence as we walk this planet. It is our visual identity, but not the most important thing about us. People who never come to realize this can end up going to drastic measures to try and stop the progression of time upon them. Most people who do that end up looking at least a little off base, or even no longer like the person whom others have come to know and love. Or worse, they end up looking sadly bizarre.

My unvarnished age

We all must try to keep our containers functioning properly. We all must try to stay out of physical harm's way. We all must come to realize that our containers are part of the "wakan tanka", the great mystery, of this universe.

Beauty beyond time and circumstance

ANNA'S LEGACY

My mother grew up in a dismal, deteriorating small town in southeastern South Dakota, inside the Yankton Sioux reservation, during the 1920's and 1930's. She (Dorothea), her parents, and her six siblings somehow crammed into this little house. 

When the kids in her family misbehaved, they were called dirty little Indians. My mom and her siblings hadn't been told that they also had some African heritage, so they didn't know why some kids in town also taunted them with the slur nigger.

Her father died when she was 17, but Dorothea managed to graduate from high school as an excellent student.

Her older brothers joined the military, and her mother took the remaining four daughters and moved West in hope of a better life. Dorothea had a challenging start to her new life in Southern California, but things eventually evolved and she ended up spending the majority of her years there, living a good life.

So my big question is, with such challenging and dismal years in her youth, why, in the early 1950's did she make sure that her three children all became enrolled Sioux tribal members? Far removed from South Dakota, in sunny Southern California, why did she not just let it go?

What is it about Native American heritage that remains so special, even in light of its long and tragic history of struggle? Why do I and some of my cousins remain preoccupied with that small percentage of our DNA identity? My generation of the family is far enough removed from this heritage, in both time and circumstance, that it could never be our main personal identities. Unless it somehow comes up in conversation, I don't mention to people that I'm a tribal member.

Yet I think that everyone in this branch of the family holds this sliver of heritage close to his or her heart. In genealogy, the number one false family story in the U.S. is that great grandma was a Cherokee maiden. Well, in our case great grandma Anna Dezera really was a Native American, a Yankton Sioux woman who married a soldier from the nearby military outpost. They spent the rest of their lives eking out a living by farming the reservation allotment land that she had been granted.

Great grandpa Micheal Howard & son Edward

In my full family tree, I have branches with many ethnicities and from many countries. They contain plenty of stories of courage, struggle, and achievement. But this single Native line of my heritage keeps drawing me back to it as I do my research. Rest assured that mine is not the common case of romanticizing the lives of the 19th century Indians. It turns out that my male Yankton ancestors made a specialty out of becoming scouts and interpreters for the U.S. government. Great grandmother had three husbands. Great grandmother's brother was indicted and convicted for running liquor into the reservation.

Nativism in the larger sense is flourishing throughout the planet right now, in a strange backlash against the monetary and technological trends of globalization. People more than ever, it seems, are staunchly clinging to identities based on city, state, region, country, ethnicity, sexuality, politics, religion, or sports. Take your pick. It's apparently strong in human nature to want to identify with a group. So perhaps being identified, if only to a degree, with a culture as unique as the Sioux, is something our family just cannot let fade away, as years pass and new generations arise.

An annual Indian Census record

To me, genealogy research is not just about collecting names and dates. It is about describing and documenting how, over centuries and decades, the gift of life was passed down from one generation to the next. It seems that it's impossible for me to fully describe that special regard I have for that part of me that is linked to the first people to inhabit this continent. So I continue to honor the ancestors by speaking their names and telling their stories.

SIMPLICITY AND TIMELESSNESS

We Americans love our consumerist stuff, and spend our whole lives attempting to acquire it. We are so lucky, in comparison to other regions of the world, that we can achieve this goal with relative ease.

This quest drives the lives of more Americans than not. It leads us to distraction and the feeling that we will never have quite enough or as much as some others.

I have wonderful news for you all, which I gained by slipping down the economic ladder. For the majority of us Americans, we indeed do have enough things from which to craft a comfortable and satisfying life. I'm speaking from the perspective of one who dwelled in the middle of the middle class, not as someone who has struggled a lifetime just to stay even.

I very much suspect that a majority of Boomers haven't really done a good job at getting ready for senior citizenship. From my West Coast observations, it appears that most of our generation has spent decades in quest for all that consumerist stuff. Now, if we're lucky, we're entering our senior years. Many of our careers are becoming obsolete and we're being encouraged to or forced to move over. And I can advise from the other side of that predicament: don't panic.

Keep calm and simplify.

Get your affairs in order. Take inventory of all that stuff. Figure out which stuff is baggage, and which stuff is treasure. Get a clear picture of what your assets are, because this is it, folks. After you are done being scared, take long walks and deep breaths, then count your blessings. Most of us have many more blessings than we realize. And if you haven't noticed already, all that stuff isn't the meaning of life. The meaning of life always has been and currently is all around you, and equally important, within you.

Next, allow yourself to take the most fabulous step of all - release yourself from that literal clock that has ruled most of your life. Keep your appointments and dates, but otherwise live your days at your very own personal pace. You will find the illusion of timelessness. That absence of that domination by the clock, that feeling of timelessness, is the most peaceful and luxurious gift given to those of us who have left the workforce for good. 

Hopefully at this stage of life you know who your true self is, so spend your hours dabbling at or charging towards whatever pleases you most. You own your hours now. So I say, see you in the realms of peace, happiness, and contentedness.

SELFISH AND SCARED IN AMERICA

I keep trying to sort out why our fortunate and prosperous nation has begun running down a path of ugliness and stupidity. I think the current state of the union is a tapestry woven from both history and lack of foresight.

Elements:

• The inability of too many of us to overcome deeply innate or family taught feelings of dislike and distrust for those who are different from us. Ever since the Civil War this country has tried to convince its citizens to rise above these feelings, to behave as better human beings. Until recently. All out distrust and disdain is now becoming national policy.

• Teaching recent generations that they are very, very special individuals who are entitled to a big house, a new car, an interesting job, and lots and lots of toys. These consumerist generations seem baffled and resentful when their storybook possibilities fade with life's realities.
• Technology has burgeoned into our society simultaneously as a pacifier and as an eliminator. Nearly all people have access to every kind of knowledge, data, communication, and entertainment in the palms of their hands. Ominously, this same technology is steadily diminishing the need for skilled, thoughtful, and hardworking employees in businesses looking to achieve high productivity and financial targets. 

• The biggest goal of "think tanks" in our country needs to be to define new occupations that can be developed to sustain a middle class. The shrinking of the middle class is a national crisis which is making people scared and angry.
• America's education systems have not evolved. The frameworks and goals for primary and secondary education must be reworked for the twenty first century. Regional task forces need to study and redefine what the local young people need in order to succeed as adults in each region. This should be seen as a top priority infrastructure project.

So what do we currently have here? A scared, shrinking middle class, with a younger generation raised on false expectations. We have instant global media which may or may not be telling us the truth as it stirs up our emotions and desires.

Those bent on "deconstruction" and "freedom from government regulations" have recently gained the edge in the federal power structure. It appears that to them, freedom means being excused from any obligation to help and protect fellow citizens.

We need somehow as a nation to take a hard look in the mirror, and see that in our fear and self-absorption we've placed the keys to our fates into the hands of a very unpredictable driver and his unethical and unrepentant pals.

This current situation is stunning, and it's frightening to think of what it might take to bring us as a nation to our senses.